hardy har har

^^^^ jay-z^^^.....................^^^ not jay-z

A man takes his wife to the stock show. They start heading

down the alley that had the bulls. They come up to the first

bull and his sign stated: "This bull mated 50 times last year.

" The wife turns to her husband and says, "He mated 50

times in a year, you could learn from him." They proceed

to the next bull and his sign stated: "This bull mated 65

times last year." The wife turns to her husband and says,

"This one mated 65 times last year. That is over 5 times a

month. You can learn from this one, also." They proceeded

to the last bull and his sign said: "This bull mated 365 times

last year." The wife's mouth drops open and says, "WOW!

He mated 365 times last year. That is ONCE A DAY!!! You

could really learn from this one." The man turns to his wife

and says, "Go up and inquire if it was 365 times

with the same cow."

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A man and his wife were celebrating their 50th wedding

anniversary. The wife says to her husband, "For our

anniversary this year, you can ask me one question, any

question you want to. I will answer it truthfully."
the husband replies, "Okay, this has been bothering me

for a long time, but I haven't had the courage to ask before...

but I have noticed that all of our eight children look similar

to one another except one. I can't figure out how he got to

look so different. Did he have a different father than the rest?"
the wife stops. She is unable to look her husband in the eyes.

Slowly she replies, "yes. Yes he did have a different father."

Her husband was taken aback. "Oh! Okay...I must know.

Please tell me. Who was that child's father?" Again she cannot

look her husband in the eyes. She is very distressed, and after

a long silence she slowly said, "YOU."

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Mr. Jones gets a call from the hospital. They tell him his wife's

been in a terrible car accident. He rushes to the hospital, runs

into the ER and says his wife's been in an accident. They tell

him Dr. Smith is handling the case. They page the doctor. He

comes out to the waiting room to see a terribly upset Mr. Jones.
"Mr. Jones?" the doctor asks. "Yes sir, what's happened? How is

my wife?" The doctor sits next to him and says, "Not good news.

Your wife's accident resulted in two fractures of her spine."
"Oh my God" says Mr. Jones, "what will be her prognosis?"

Dr. Smith says "Well, Mr. Jones, her vital signs are stable.

However, her spine is inoperable. She'll have no motor skills or

capability. This means you will have to feed her." Mr. Jones

begins to sob. "And you'll have to turn her in her bed every

two hours to prevent pneumonia."
Mr. Jones begins to wail and cry loudly. "Then, of course,"

the doctor continued, "you'll have to diaper her as she'll have

no control over her bladder and of course these diapers must

be changed at least five times a day." Mr. Jones begins to

shake as he cries, sobs, wails.
The doctor continues: "And you'll have to clean up her feces on

a regular basis as she'll have no control over her sphincters. Her

bowel will engorge whenever and quite often I'm afraid. Of course

you must clean her immediately to avoid accumulation of the

putrid effluent she'll be emitting regularly."
Now Mr. Jones is convulsing sobbing uncontrollably and beginning

to wither off the bench into a sobbing pitiful mass. Just then

Dr. Smith reaches out his hand and pats Mr. Jones on the shoulder.

"Hey, I'm just fucking with you, she's dead."

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The ambitious coach of a girls track team gives the squad steroids.

The team's performance soars. They win the county and state

championship until one day they are favoured to win nationals

easily. Penelope, a 16-year-old hurdler visits her coach and says,

"Coach, I have a problem. Hair is starting to grow on my chest."

"What?" the coach says in a panic, "How far down does it go?"

She replies, "Down to my testicles. That's something else I want to

talk to you about."

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A guy calls the hospital. He says, "You gotta send help! My wife's
going into labor!" The nurse says, "Calm down, Is this her first child?"
He says, "No! This is her fucking husband!"


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